Travelling – A Guide for the Terminally Stupid

One of the “joys” of travel is watching your fellow humans happily go through the experience without being remotely aware of what is going on. Sometimes it’s amusing, sometimes it leaves you shaking your head in disbelief. So here’s a non-exhaustive list of the basics:

1) Check In
Seriously, what the hell are you doing? It takes 30 seconds to show your boarding pass and passport, pop the bag down and get it all done. The agent really doesn’t care about your family history or the hotel you’ve booked or the fact you’ve just recovered from a heavy cold and nor do the 300 people behind you. You’re told the baggage limits when you book. Did you seriously think they wouldn’t notice the grand piano you’re trying to check in?

2) Airport Security
I don’t know whether you’ve noticed or not, but security is fairly common these days, some might even say it’s to be expected. The queues that go with it are too, meaning you have several minutes to know what to do. Special clue here: watch the people in front of you.  So why do you wait until the security officer actually starts talking to you before you think it might be an idea to empty your pockets? Why do you wait until the belt before realising the €50 in change might trigger the alarm? Put it all in your bag while you’re in the queue. Take your belt off before you wander through the gate. This is clearly challenging stuff.

3) Travelators
Stand on the right. Just stand on the bloody right. It’s the same the world over, get out of the way will you?

4) Leaving Baggage Unattended
Oh come on, you aren’t that stupid are you? Are you?

5) Getting to the Gate on Time
Airports are very good you know. They put the time up on your ticket and tell you at check in. Then they also put it up on the screens too, which tells you if there’s a delay. Oh and where to go. And when.

Get your arse out of Wetherspoons and down to where the aircraft is. 200 other people managed it, why didn’t you?

6) Escalators
Take a look behind you. See all those people moving at the same speed as you? What do you think will happen when you decide to stop at the top or bottom?

7) Visas
The airport is really not the best place to realise you needed one

8) Flying economy
It’s crap. Everyone else on board knows this too, loudly whining about the seat to the crew doesn’t do anything except ensure everyone else on board is silently contemplating violence.

9) It’s not a playground
Yes, kids are excited. That’s great too, and really rather
charming. But other people do exist, and maybe, just maybe want to walk through the terminal without being tripped up.

10) We don’t do this at home
The point about travelling is to have new experiences. It’s a different country. They are not required to do everything the way we do. Don’t like it, don’t go. Amazingly enough, they do some things better too. If you actually tried them instead of complaining that the signs aren’t in English you might appreciate that.

11) The Food
Just a thought here, but if you don’t for example like Indian food, India probably wasn’t your best choice of holiday. Oh and the lack of a Burger King in the tiny, remote village you’ve selected from Google Maps is your problem, not theirs.

12) The Locals
They actually live there you know. Stop treating them like zoo exhibits

13) The Wildlife
That selfie next to a lion isn’t a good idea. Actually, what am I saying? Go ahead, in fact you’ll be doing us all a favour. I once saw someone standing up to the waist fishing in the Daintree river. That everyone else was there to see the crocodiles might have been a clue.

14) Insects
You’ve gone somewhere tropical. What did you expect? Seriously, what did you expect?

15) Overcrowding
You’ve gone to one of the most popular tourist destinations in the world, and you’re amazed that other people have had the same idea.

16) The Wet Season
Why did you think it was so cheap? They’ve even given you a hint in the title. Oh and it might be why the landscape is so green too. And while I’m at it, did you actually think about why it’s called a rainforest?

17) Monuments
Yes, you’re right, they’ve been there for a thousand years just waiting for you to carve your initials into the stone. Everyone else is deeply impressed, that’s why they’re there actually – to see just who the numpty who has ruined a global landmark is.

18) Clothing
Of course there’s nothing wrong with walking through a Dubai mall in your bikini or speedos. Why would anyone think that might be a problem?

19) Clapping when the Flight Lands
This is fine if you happen to be being flown by the Wright Brothers a hundred years ago. These days, amazingly enough, the pilot has actually done it before. In fact the definition of a good pilot is one who has the same number of landings as take offs and you didn’t applaud that did you? If a passenger in your car stands and applauds you when you drop them off safely then its allowed. Otherwise you’ve just made everyone else shrivel into their seat in embarrassment.

20) Holiday Clothes
That sarong you bought on holiday looked ok when you were on holiday. In the High Street when you get home, you just look a twat.


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